Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself

Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself

As someone who has spent a lifetime observing human behavior, I found the events surrounding Charlie Kirk’s assassination both shocking and deeply unsettling. I’ll be honest—I hadn’t even heard of him before the tragedy. What truly caught my attention, though, was his wife, Erika Kirk, and her public statement just 11 days later: she forgave her husband’s killer.

Before I go any further, let me be clear—this blog is not about politics. Whether you admired Charlie Kirk or couldn’t stand him, no amount of hypnosis (or anything else) is going to change your mind about that. What I want to focus on is Erika’s extraordinary act of forgiveness. As a hypnotist, forgiveness is a theme I return to often in my work, and realizing I hadn’t written about it in a while, I saw her words as a timely reminder—not just for others, but for myself as well.

I’ll admit, when I first heard Erika Kirk say she forgave her husband’s killer—the father of her two children—just 11 days after his death, my immediate reaction was disbelief. Even with faith as a guiding force, 11 days doesn’t seem like enough time. If you think about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), that works out to roughly two days per stage.

In my work, I sit with clients who have carried guilt, shame, and even fantasies of revenge for decades. And honestly? I do this for a living, yet I still haven’t fully forgiven my mom for turning me into a latch-key kid at age seven, raised by an electric box filled with “parents” like Bugs Bunny, Wonder Woman, and Mr. Snuffleupagus.

Here’s what I do know: the human mind can make a decision in minutes—and it can unmake that same decision just as quickly. Whether you choose to forgive or to hold on tightly to your pain, the truth is, there’s still an internal process every person has to go through when they’ve been wronged.

But there’s also a secret to moving through it faster: forgiveness is rarely about the other person. It’s about you. 

What Forgiveness Is—and What It Isn’t

• Forgiveness isn’t approval. It doesn’t mean you condone the behavior or erase the wrongdoing. You can forgive someone and still hold them accountable.
• Forgiveness isn’t weakness. It takes enormous strength to face your pain, acknowledge it, and then choose to release it.
• Forgiveness isn’t reconciliation. Sometimes relationships are too unhealthy to restore. You can forgive without re-opening the door.
• Forgiveness is freedom. It’s releasing yourself from the chokehold of resentment and the heaviness of anger.

When you refuse to forgive, it’s like carrying a backpack full of bricks everywhere you go. The other person isn’t weighed down—you are. Forgiveness is setting that backpack down and walking lighter. 

The Science of Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t just spiritual—it’s physical. Researchers at Stanford, Harvard, and the Mayo Clinic have all found that people who practice forgiveness:

• Have lower blood pressure and healthier hearts
• Sleep more peacefully
• Experience less anxiety and depression
• Strengthen their immune systems
• Report greater overall happiness

Think of forgiveness as emotional detox. Just like your body feels lighter after clearing out toxins, your mind and heart feel lighter after releasing bitterness. 

Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard

We resist forgiveness for a few common reasons:

• We mistake forgiveness for permission. Many people fear fthat orgiving means saying, “It’s okay that you hurt me.” But forgiveness doesn’t erase responsibility—it just stops the pain from taking root in your soul.
• We believe anger protects us. Resentment can feel like armor, but in reality, it keeps us stuck in fight mode.
• We want justice first. It feels unfair to forgive when the other person hasn’t apologized, admitted fault, or faced consequences. But waiting for someone else’s behavior to change before you forgive means giving them control over your healing. 

How to Begin Forgiving

Forgiveness doesn’t have to happen overnight. It unfolds in layers, like peeling an onion (tears included). Here are some steps to begin:

1.  Acknowledge the hurt. Pretending “it didn’t matter” only buries it deeper. Name the pain, admit the impact, and honor your feelings.
2.  Choose forgiveness. This is less about emotion and more about intention. You may not feel ready, but deciding that you want to forgive is the first crack in the armor.
3.  Release the replay. Our brains love to replay the “highlight reel” of our wounds. Notice when you’re rehashing the story, and gently redirect your attention.
4.  Shift the focus. Instead of asking, “Why did they do this?” ask, “What do I need to heal?”
5.  Practice compassion. This doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means recognizing that hurt people hurt people. Compassion opens space for release. 

Forgiving Yourself

Some of the deepest wounds come not from others, but from ourselves. Regrets, poor choices, or failures can linger in our minds for years. Forgiving yourself can be even harder than forgiving someone else.

Here’s the truth: you cannot grow while clinging to shame. Every version of you, past and present, has been doing the best it could with the knowledge and tools available. Self-forgiveness means accepting your humanity, learning from mistakes, and choosing to love yourself forward.

Try this: imagine speaking to your younger self, the one who made that mistake. Would you berate them forever, or would you extend the compassion you wish someone had shown you? 

The Freedom of Letting Go

Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past. It transforms your relationship with it. Instead of dragging it like a ball and chain, you begin to walk freely, no longer defined by what was done to you.

When you forgive, you are saying:

• I choose peace over poison.
• I value my freedom more than my anger.
• I won’t let someone else’s actions dictate my future.

That’s the real power of forgiveness—it’s the ultimate act of self-love. 

✨ Final Thought: Forgiveness isn’t about the person who hurt you. It’s about reclaiming your joy, your peace, and your power. It’s the gift you give yourself so you can finally move forward, lighter and freer.

If you’re still having trouble with forgiveness, would now be a good time to knock out your next appointment?